The Woman I Am Now

When I first started this blog, I was a freshman at Carolina really just trying to figure it out. Faced with the stark challenges of being on my own, not actually, but physically. That solitude was something I was never used to. As the oldest child, I operated like a mini mother and taking my nurturing past my immediate family to my chosen families at school. It was this nurturing that made me feel alive, the connectivity and community. Growing up, I felt like no one understood the myriad of thoughts racing through my mind. Always intuitively aware of my differences, I kept a safe distance internally. I never wanted anyone to get close enough to see the chaos. Over time, this external self became my mask, the way I could hide these differences, quirks, my ADHD. It wasn't until recently that I had the words to explain all of this. I feel like this information revolutionized me. Once siloed in this shallow sense of self, I now feel connected to the other people who have ADHD or know someone who does. The sense of belonging I did not know I needed until I had it. 

That search for a sense of belonging is pervasive in our generation. With the physical distance increasing as we get closer socially, that sense of belonging is misidentified, misaligned, and unrecognized. A like on Instagram means you like me. A retweet on Twitter means you care. A share on Facebook means you hear me. We can't verbalize these things let alone see them in practice because our interpretation of them is tied to the addicting nature of small dopamine hits. Everyone says social media is fake but yet we still buy in, myself included. In an attempt to create my own unique path, I feel like I've inadvertently become a copycat of everyone else. Screaming for a modicum of the differences I felt all those years ago. I think it's the politics of our society to create superficial differences while ignoring our natural connectivity. We thrive on being different, being other, being independent internally but we are all the same. I think the woman I am now is confused frankly. I want nothing more than deep, long-lasting connections but I feel like I also don't know where to start. That's why I started this blog, this page, this platform: what is the root of those connections and how can we find common ground even in the most salacious of issues. From revolution being televised to revolution being politics, they're all intertwined and so are we. The woman I am now wants to explore that interconnection now more than ever.